It has pretty much been 9 years!
I have been pretty much alone for the last 9 years.
My kid was born in February 1996. The dad and I were on the outs for the most part before I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married and I just could not do it. You see, at that time his favorite place in the world was a bar stool. I lived alone with the baby, he was there a lot, everyday for a while and then it went to 4 days a week do to a new job he took. I was kinda seeing someone else at that time too, but nothing serious. He was a great friend, but could never fill the shoes that I wanted filled. I created some big shoes, No one ever filled them.
A couple of years back "Insecure" came into my life. He traveled for a living. This is a guy that I went to high school with but never really knew. The year he was around was in all actuality about 3 months. I was a place to live, when he was in town that is. He got a manager position and was going to be stationed here for good. I helped him find a place, get it all set up, he went on one last out of town assignment and when he came back he brushed me off, lied to me and was gone with in a week. He was a coward. I found out from his best friend that he was marrying a girl 3 month after he met her because she needed him and well I was just to damn independent.
There have been a couple of other men around here and there. Mr. Clean is the closest person I have taken serious in a long time. But guess what, I am not doing that anymore either. I feel like he is playing games with me. I don't much like that so I have build up my walls and am starting to distance myself.
I was reading Prince Charming's blog when he was explaining where he got the name and how all the women he tends to date and attract have the Prince Charming syndrome. I think in a small way, every man and woman alike have a little bit of the Prince Charming syndrome. How could we not? Every little girl dreams of finding the man of her dreams, her Prince Charming who will ride in on his white horse and save the day. By what he was describing I believe that most of us do not have it that bad. But we all want to find someone that is gong to make us happy, whose little imperfections we can live with, considering we all have them. The one person that makes you laugh and can put butterflies in your stomach when you see them. That person that knows when you need a lift and sends you flowers or just calls to say they are thinking of you.
At one point and time I had two guys that both loved me, if I could have combined the two of them I would have had my match. The one was secure, had a good job, a great work ethic, was good looking, and fit into my world, but he drank to much. The other knew how to hold me, love, and care for me. He just looked at me and I would get goose bumps. He would help me when I needed help, it didn't matter what it was that I was asking, yet he did not want to work and would not work. So just mesh the two together and I was all set.
I wish it were that easy. Needless to say they are both gone now and I am ALONE!
My mother came over today so I could buff and paint her nails. I am 33 now, and I know that isn't really old. But with all the time that I dedicate to other things than myself I figure that I will be pretty much alone forever.
I have my little one and until the kid leaves home to head to college my hands will be full and I will not suffer from loneliness, but what am I going to do then?
