Wow - 2007 Really

Well it has been a really long time since I stepped in and posted anything. I think I might just have to start back up again, maybe just maybe it would be good therapy!

See you soon!

Being Censored

Has anyone in your life ever censored what you are allowed to discuss with them? My life changed a great deal a little over 11 years ago. I became a mother that day, at the age of twenty-three. At this time, my life shifted from being all about me to all about my daughter. You see, I don’t necessarily think you lose your self when you become a parent but your focus certainly takes a new light.

Not so long ago, I was told by a friend that I had lost myself at the time I agreed with him. My thinking was that I had lost who I once was and really wasn’t the same anymore. So I started thinking a great deal about this later. I didn’t lose myself; I found a new sense of self. I am a MOM and am proud and honored to be called that. To top it all off I am a single one.

I can not talk to this person anymore. I don’t know what to say… I have been asked not to talk about what I do in my life anymore, because my life revolves and my child’s. Her activities are my activities. I am an assistant cheer coach, an active participant in all Girl Scout activities, I help out with school. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty of it all, I am a teacher, care giver, launderer, coach, photography, therapist, cook, house keeper, and chauffer. If I missed any, well use your imagination.

Talking to this person (that I once considered to be a very good friend) is now a very stale conversation. I don’t have much I can say that doesn’t involve my child. I don’t want to talk about current events, well because… I just won’t go there. The conversations consist of “How are you doing” “Good”, “You”… do you get my point here.

My once very good friend has been through a great deal over the last couple of years. I can respect that dealing with all they have can lead to some self hurt and frustration. I am also a firm believer in accepting your own choices as mistakes and moving forward. I believe that there is work out there for all who choose to work. I believe that you have to make sacrifices in pay and stay in a job that you may not be your happiest with until you have another secured. I believe that if you make your bed, or unmake it, or destroy it, then you have to lay in it, you have to pick up your own pieces. Don’t blame others for it, don’t make others feel bad for it.

I guess what I am trying to say is, STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME! I have never been the type of person to be censored. I don’t like that you are trying too.

So to your little message of (“Doors Closing”) I can’t not care anymore. When you return to your self and can be who you truly are again. I might still be around to be your friend.

The Reply

TT finally emailed me back. I sent him an email on September 27th. I don’t know that I really expected him to write back. I sent a life update email, just a little update on all the things going on in my life and in MG’s life.

His reply was short and sweet, he asked no questions and gave no feedback on what I had written him. I don’t know that he really cares anymore. His message was very short and cold we used to have such great conversations for hours and hours, and emails were long and full of detail and grit.

This is all he said:

“I am doing okay.. I am between NE and VA.. but I am doing fine. Talking is something I need to remember to do.. I realize that I don't talk to anyone anymore. I personally like that. Because the crap I would get and I would cause to others just got old.. So I am better not being with anyone nor talking to anyone.. for now..”

I don’t really understand, but I guess he really doesn’t want me too right now.

For the last 11 years TT has been in and out of my life. What is it about certain people that you just continue to let back in your life again and again, whether they are just a friend or something more. TT has always just been a friend, but he was always considered a good friend in my life.

Maybe once a person becomes part of your past and not so much in your present that is where they are best off being. It seems that every time I let me past back in my present, things don’t go so well. This should be telling me something right?

I have been reminiscing lately to the good times I have had with some people. Life is full of changes, love, disappointments, bad choices, regrets, laughter, fun, challenges and best of all friendships.

The Weekend!

The Weekend!

I always thought that the weekend was something to be enjoyed, a time to rest and recoup from the long hard busy week we always seem to have. The last three weekends have not been that way. They have been cram packed with lots of activities, cleaning, & prep work to study for tests or quizzes.

We were supposed to get together on Friday night. My friend Bubba and I (yes, just a friend nothing more) were going to get dinner and maybe a movie Friday night. He was supposed to call when he got to town that evening. I think he had to help another friend move something first. I never got the call! Then Saturday he was supposed to be at the game, no show again. I texted messaged him to find out that he broke the truck. This is a 33 year old man telling me he broke the truck. He went four wheeling in a truck that doesn’t belong in the mud, it just isn’t made for that!

I don’t understand why men continue to act like children all their lives, do men ever grow up and change?

Friday I was thinking there was some hope for a quite evening on Saturday, as my luck always seems to persist it was bad! I have numerous projects looming over my head that really need to get done, but after the last couple of weeks and weekends (camping with 10 girls) I had no desire to address them. My mother had a different plan for me. I am a 34 year old adult mom, so I thought! My dear sweet mother always wants to help which is great, just not when you need and want some good ol fashion rest. After my girl’s cheerleading (football) game she came to the house so we could work on getting my daughters summer and winter cloths switched around. My girl (MG) was at her dads this weekend so it did not take time away from her. This took several hours to finish!!! Yet I still had to prep for my study session with MG Sunday night. I was up till 3AM!!! No Rest, not much at least.

Sunday was not much better!

On my way home MG is telling me about her very eventful Saturday night. Please keep in mind she is only 10. I was told that Daddy’s wife (DW) was drunk and they decided to walk someone home at 10:30PM, (so hear is DW, with MG, her ½ sister (7) and DW’s daughter (11) & a Adult Neighbor also drunk) walking down the street. DW decides to take off running in slippers falls and scraps up her knees then rolls over into a ditch. They are late getting back so Daddy comes riding up in his S10 Chevy pick up and loads them into the back, speeds off spinning wheels, rubber burning. Where they live there are huge ditches on the sides of the road. So he is acting like this with my baby in the back on the vehicle. WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING!!

YES!!! This is the reason I did not marry him, absolutely no common sense EVER!!!!

Feeling Alone

I have been on my own and alone for a long time now. Pretty much the last 11 years. I have always had my family and a few really good friends. This is the time in my life that I have truly felt alone.

My best friends don’t seem to be around anymore! What happened to friends always being friends and always being there for one another in hard times?

Over the last numerous years I have had friends that have come and gone out of my life. Mostly gone, at least that is what it appears to me now.

TT (Too Tall) has been thru a great deal this last year, he divorced his wife, been in a serious accident, had money issues and I think moved away. You see I don’t know what has happened to him. One Saturday he told me that he was coming over, texted messaged me at 11:30 and said he would be here at 2:00, 2:00 came and went as well as 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and so on, I got worried and tried to contact him several times with no luck. A few days later I reached out again to see what was going on and was told that he was not explaining just that he was leaving (moving) at the end of the month. This was August. He did not want to tell me anything. I don’t get it, this guy has been one of my best friends since I was a sophomore in high school. So what is the deal??

The there is Heavy B, his mom died this year, I thought for sure that this was his moment to shine. That he was going to get responsible support himself and really become a man. At 33 he was still living at home with mom and she was paying all the bills. I was wrong, though I do believe that he is supporting himself he is also burning thru his inheritance quicker than it can gain interest in the bank. Now that he has moved a good 45 min away, well I don’t see him anymore either.

I am beginning one of the biggest battles of my life. I am taking on the school system to get my child some help with her reading. I sure could use TT around to bounce things off of since well he has knowledge of how this stuff works and well he levels my head.
Don’t get me wrong I have friends but none that know me as much as TT and HB do…

When is Enough Enough

So tell me, What defines a "Good Friend" to you? This question has me very intrigued lately. You see I am very selective with my friends and well I just don't see a reason to keep people in my life that are more of a drain than an asset. Don't get me wrong, everyone has there highs and lows. I know in a friendship it is give and take, but!! what do you do when it is always a give and the other person is draining and taking all you kindness away.

I have noticed lately that my tolerance level is extremely short. I have a friend that has been a friend for a very long time. This friend has been thru a great deal over the last year (in the process of a divorce, money issues, self esteem busters) all and all a complete overhaul of life as my friend has known it for 5 years or so... MF even made a passing comment of self inflicting cuts on MF's arms. (My thought, is this true, or do they just want attention.)

What I am having the most issue with is the fact that MF (My Friend) can seem to get past themselves. MF sends me emails with a description of what is causing the "depression"
My comments in color!
New Job Position.. making the money..
owe apt complex 5k
need to pay my new place 500.
i need to payoff 11 accts that I left alone.. (mostly medical 6 of them are on my credit now)
My phone is going to be shutoff can't afford it..
The last four days I walked. Please note that MF lives right across street from office
I need brakes on the truck REALLY bad.
I have no Medical as of Today! Canceled insurance instead of just taking ex off.
I don't sleep - I am having a hard time believing this MF has been saying this for 5 weeks now
I don't eat (because I can't afford to..) - Just cause you are in debt doesn't mean you don't eat
Parents are helping but they can't. -Parents have big money!

So I dig a little deeper to find out that MF has been paying bills for doctor visits because of an auto accident MF was in, and accident that was someone elses fault. MF gets frustrated with me as I am making suggestions and trying to figure out why MF is in so much debt, (makes good money) I have know for a while that MF is not too smart about how they pay bills, doesn't look to the future at all. Gets a bill and depletes account to pay full balance instead of making smaller payments and stashing emergency funds. So I am trying to explain that if he lets the medical facilities know that he was in an accident and that the case is still pending they essentially can go after him for any money until this is settled. Doesn't everyone know this??

Boiling down my point, MF has been caught in some major lies! At one time in our friendship I could believe anything the MF said, and could trust that nothing said between us would be told.

Needless to say I am having a really difficult time being a compassionate good friend.

American Idol - Bringing Back Memories

My child and I are American Idol fans. We watch each week and judge who should go and who should stay. So far we are right on the money.

This week Taylor sang Country Road, this song brings back many many memories for me. My Great Grand Mother (Granny) was from West Virginia. She came to live with us when I was about 5 years old she past away when I was 14. She was a second mom to me in some ways. Her favorite song was Country Road, when I turned on the TV to Taylor singing this song (even though he did not sing it well) it brought back memories of laying on my bed watching Love Boat. Donnie Osmand was on Love Boat one episode and sang this song. I remember running into her bedroom to turn on the TV so she could her her favorite song. The littlest things would make her happy.

Ganny was the neatest person (yes I did say Neatest) she would rub/scratch my back during the church service. For Christmas she always gave my brother and I M&M's. I have carried on this tradition with my child and my brothers. It was something that we grew to look forward too. I can remember one night my parents went out Square Dancing (Please remember this is the late 70's early 80's) and she fell right at the top of the stairs. Granny made us promise not to tell my mom. We never did... I miss her, I wish everyday that this fantastic woman that I was blessed with could have lived forever. She was born in 1889 and died in 1986 she was almost 98 years old, her mind was as solid as if she were 20. She out lived her 3 children, the first died when she was only 3 weeks old. Her my grandmother, died when I was 2. Her third was killed in WWII when his plane went down. My Great Grandfather Fred was the head of the School Board and past away shortly after a doctor made a house call to him for a common cold. My Granny felt he was murdered.

Sorry for being so sappy...